To change your behavior, learn to catch and reward yourself.
Catching yourself means noticing instances of the behavior you want to change. Some things, like emotions, come from deep in your subconscious and are difficult to spot. It can take a long while after the fact to get there (hours, days, years). Journaling or other forms of structured self-reflection help. Other things, like desires, can be easier to notice on the spot. But either way, catching yourself is a skill. The more you do it, the better you get at it, and the closer you get to catching yourself in “the moment”. And eventually, you’ll be able to unconsciously catch yourself before the moment. Then you can change your behavior.
Rewarding yourself is what you do after the catch. Congratulate yourself internally for having caught the behavior in the first place, even if you wound up doing the thing you were trying to avoid. Literally say, in your head but ideally out loud, “good job”, “nice catch”, laugh at your silly self. Be kind, feel grateful for noticing, and you’ll catch yourself sooner next time.
This can be difficult because your first instinct will often be to criticize yourself for behaving negatively. But this creates more negative emotions. And to make something better, first, you have to stop making it worse. But rewarding yourself for having caught the behavior – even long after the fact – will condition your brain to seek the reward by getting better at the catching part. So rewarding yourself is key to learning how to catch yourself.
This works well for behaviors born out of emotions like anger, jealousy, envy, or fear.
(New York)